I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Randomize
