Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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