Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
