I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
