I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Barsexuality is the new black.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
