im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
