When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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