girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
