i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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