I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
