life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize