I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
