True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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