Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We're too hungover to prance.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
