I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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