if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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