Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
