Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
