Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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