meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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