I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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