Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
