How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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