I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
