I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
