im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
