the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
