I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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