My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
