I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
