The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
