I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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