I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
