Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
