i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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