Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
