I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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