I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
