I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
