so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
