So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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