I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
