What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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