someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
