i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
