btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
