I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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