I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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