Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
