I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
