Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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