Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
