K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
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