The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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