I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
