god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
